My Soul Grows Weary

I’m hoping the dream I had last night was just that, a dream – and not a premonition of this never ending endurance called an adoption process.

Last night I was frustrated and knew that Mighty and Agbesi were feeling the same.  The last time we talked with them it was painfully apparent they were losing patience – and maybe even a little hope that “Mommy and Daddy” were really coming back to get them.  The two months Agbesi so eagerly reminded me about while holding up his two little fingers are nothing more than a dusty page in our history book at this point. 

I decided since there was nothing I could do from a bureaucratic or political standpoint to speed up our process – I was going to get on an airplane and go be with our kids in Ghana.  I don’t remember the long flight (maybe this part of the dream I really do hope is true!), but I do vividly remember arriving at the orphanage.  I wanted to surprise the kids with my arrival.  I obviously had not told anyone I was coming.

As I sneaked around the dusty corner and crept into the courtyard Agbesi came running toward me and jumped into my arms with an excited “Daddy!” like he’d done so many times while we were actually in country.  He looked the same – except his two front teeth were completely grown in.  I loved hugging my little boy again and reliving all of the same feelings I’d had the first time we were there with him.

Next I remember heading up the stairs and through the hallway to the girl/s room.  As I rounded the landing on the stairway a group of girls were passing me.  I noticed one of them was Mighty.  As she came closer I was shocked to notice she was six to eight inches taller and looked much more mature than when we’d left her.  Immediately I had a feeling of sadness (and maybe even a little despair) flood over me and I tried desperately to remember how long it had been since we’d last been with them.  I was sad thinking about all we’d missed over the months (years?) we’d been away and how we’d only get to keep our little girl for a couple more years once we finally got her home.  All we’d missed, each precious experience, and the memories we could have had are nothing more than blank pages in our family history.  

I started feeling irritated….and then I woke up and realized just like in the dream, I really am irritated…and tired…and my soul is weary.